Kindness. It Still Exists.
I’ve been working as an instructional assistant for the special education department at a local high school since August and although we are only halfway through the school year I have already experienced so many heart wrenching events. I feel that special education has a negative connotation attached to it and many people have a misinterpretation of what exactly that label means. The students that I work with are not physically disabled, they in fact do not look any different than the next student. However, these kids are more so just on the spectrum of Autism or Asperger’s, struggle with academics in one or multiple subjects, or really just need some extra academic support to be successful. They are wonderful, each with their own special ray of light that brings a joy to my life in being able to help them. As much fulfillment as I get from being a part of these students journey, there are everyday struggles and battles that constantly challenge myself and my colleagues. Ultimately, we do our best to overcome these obstacles, which I’m starting to see and feel, take a serious toll on my emotions even after my work day is over.
This last Friday I saw something that actually took me awhile to process yet when I fully understood what had just occurred, it literally broke me down to tears. I have a student that has been struggling mightily through their classes, top that off with constantly getting pulled out of class for various learning assessments, a mom who is denial that their child needs far more educational support than what our program offers, all coupled with the sheer fact that some high school students are just flat out mean. Essentially my job is to sit in my students classes so that I can thoroughly understand what they are learning as well as keep them up to speed with tests, quizzes and anything else that can help them succeed. One of these classes is a world history class that I actually really enjoy going to. The teacher is a young, charismatic instructor that has a class full of some deeply intellectual students as well as some bright personalities, which makes for some interesting discussions. The day was unlike any other, my student and I had just had our study skills class together, where I am able to give one on one academic support, and it was now time for history class, last period of the day.
All things were normal, we come in, sit down, students receive a journal prompt for the day and begin writing their entry. After a brief discussion, it was time to divvy up countries in Europe during World War I among the students so that they can do more research about that country’s role during that time. The teacher put all of the student’s names on a digital spinner and as each student’s name was picked, they chose their country of choice. My student’s name was one of the first five chosen and when asked what country he wanted, he drew a blank despite having a list in front of him. It was fairly noisy in the class during this time, however, due to my student’s delay in a response someone belted out something to the effect of, “he doesn’t even know what a country is!” I wasn’t certain as to exactly what was said, nor was I sure that it was even directed towards my student, and I didn’t in fact connect the dots until what happened next. Shortly after, I noticed the girl that sits next to my student, who is amazing in the sense that I’m pretty sure she knows that her peer struggles with school, was passing a note back and forth with him. This is not out of the ordinary in that I have seen her help him numerous times before. Whether it be a simple nudge to pay attention or writing things on his notepad during lecture like, “write that down” or “this is important”, in any case I didn’t think too much about it, but I did notice that my student had his head down, only picking it up to write on the paper that was being passed back and forth from his peer. I will elaborate more on this note and the girl a little later in the story as it plays a significant role in inspiring me to write this. A few minutes go by and he turns around to me and says, “Mr. Ramirez, can I go outside I don’t feel good.” I replied, “Of course,” and I followed behind him. When we got outside, he looked a little pale and out of sorts for lack of a better term. I was aware that he was absent the day before, however I was not sure he was actually sick, because there was a big project that was due for one of his classes and conveniently he was absent. Remember his mother in denial that I mentioned earlier, well I’d say she had something to do with his absence. Anyway, I asked him if he felt nauseous or if he felt like he was going to throw up, he said “No.” So, I told him to relax for a few minutes and I’d come back and check on him. When I came back I asked if he wanted to go to the nurse and he said yes. He went and got his things, I told his teacher I’d walk him over to the nurse, and we headed out. What happened next changed everything.
As we were walking I asked him if he had thrown up the day before since I knew he had been out, but the answer I got was not what I expected. “No, I’m not sick, I just feel…anxiety,” he said. “About what?” I replied. He responded, “Just everything.” That was the aha moment. All the testing, the meetings, the counseling sessions, psychology assessments, everything had come full circle and he was feeling it all compound on top of him, all at once. Now, keep in mind, this student has a hard time articulating emotions and feelings as well as comprehending what he is being told. With that said, I think that he did understand why he was being put through all that testing. Couple that with the comment from the classroom about him not knowing what a country was. It hit him and me like a ton of bricks and I realized that going to the nurse was not what he needed. He needed a safe haven, a place without judgement, somewhere he is comfortable, and the best place I could think of was in our classroom. I asked him if he wanted to go there and he confidently responded, “Yes!”
As we walked into our room, the other study skills students greeted us with friendly hellos and he went and sat at a desk near the back of the class. My supervising teacher looked at me with confusion as to why we were back and I partially responded with a facial expression basically saying I’ll text her. We typically text each other to communicate when we are both in the class so that we are not speaking out loud with students around. I relayed everything that had happened and explained why we came back to our class rather than the nurse’s office. After reading my text she looked up from her screen to acknowledge me. She then walked over to our student to talk to him. They spoke quietly and I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but I did see the folded note from the other student in his class sitting on the desk. She picked it up, unfolded it, and then walked over to her desk with it. Suddenly my phone buzzed on my desk across the room, I picked it up and saw a picture of the note. It was a Q and A style note that was basically the girl writing a question and my student answering it. What I saw brought tears to my eyes and forced me to have to step outside to regain my composure.
This is what it said:
Reading this note hit me so hard, right in my chest, smack dab in my heart and soul. After stepping out, drying my eyes, and taking a few deep breaths I went back in to wait out the remaining few minutes of the school day. I had soccer practice with my varsity boys team after school and throughout the whole training session I could just feel this twisting knot in my stomach. I too felt the uneasy, nauseous, heart thumping, shortness of breath that is known as anxiety.
As I reflected on this later that night, shared it with tears in my eyes to my roommate and girlfriend, I was reassured by the sheer fact that kindness still exists in our youth. Despite the harsh reality that many high school kids are fairly ignorant to the thoughts, feelings and emotions of anyone other than themselves, this one girl had, and has, the courage to help someone in need. Although the overall experience put such a damper on my confidence in humanity beyond my own timeline of life, it made me optimistic about the future of our youth. These are the people that I pray become leaders, innovators, educators, and role models for those around them. These are the individuals that are not caught up in a culture of self promotion, self gloss, or surface level judgement upon others. They are my quintessential hope that there are young adolescents out there in this world who value compassion more than competition. I applaud those who seek to positively influence others, lead their peers by listening rather than hurt them by talking. I do not believe that this student became the caring person that she is on her own. I believe it started at home, with parents who have raised their daughter to be kind, caring and in tune with the understanding of not only her own emotions, but also the emotions of others. I want to shake her parents hands, I want to thank them, I want to applaud them for embodying everything that I wish to instill into my children one day. I have hope that humanity can come together, unite through the collective struggles of life and grow together into a future where we stand side by side one another instead of divide each other. I am confident that we will get there, I can feel it, I have seen it first hand. It may be few and far between, but sometimes that’s all we need to start anew. Kindness, it still exists.
